Although we can’t protect young children from the pain they feel when someone they love dies, we can be there to support them as they work though their grief.  Since young children can’t really grasp the idea of death, it could be explained by saying when a person dies their body just can’t do what it use to be able to do (walk, talk, eat etc.), but be careful about saying they are in an eternal sleep or resting in peace, this might make children afraid to take a nap or go to sleep at night.

Whatever you do don’t ignore children’s questions about death.  Give short answers, but don’t go into too much detail.  There is always nothing wrong in answering a question with “I don’t know.”  Try to be honest and direct when talking about your own feelings of sadness.   Books are a good way to start a discussion about death with young children.  Your local librarian can suggest many good books, but these oldies are my favorites.

1. The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst

2.  I’ll Always Love You by Hans Wilhelm

3.  Nana Upstairs & Nana Downstairs by Tomie de Paola

4.  Love You Forever by Robert Munsch

Even though someone’s body had died, the love we feel towards them never has to die.  It’s our love that remembers them forever, so it truly helps young children to process ideas when they actually make or do something rather than just talk about it.

Infants: Family Mobile – The easiest way to create memories for infants is to hang a family picture mobile above their changing table, and talk about the different family members and their relationship to the infant.  “This is grandma Ruth she loved you very much, and gave you the pink teddy.”

Toddlers: Remembrance Book – A remembrance book is simple to make with pictures of grandpa Albert doing things together with the toddler, like making a bird house.  A picture of a favorite truck or toy sent as a birthday present will help to bring back happy memories of the person who is gone.

Preschoolers: Plant Flowers – Plant a memory garden.  Flowers are always a sign of rebirth and renewal particularly perennials which come back each year.  If you know that yellow tulips were aunt Helen’s favorite flowers, plant them in the fall and they will remind you of her each spring when they bloom.

To heal, kids need:

to understand what has happened,

to feel all of their feelings,

to honor the dead in their own special ways,

and to remember the love.                                                    (Deborah Marshall)