In studying children, Dr. Antonius Cillessen, a professor from the University of Connecticut, said that “… aggressiveness is most often used as a means of asserting dominance to gain control or protect status.  Aggression is not simply a breakdown or lapse of social skills.  Rather, many acts of aggression require highly attuned social skills to pull off, and even physical aggression is often the mark of a child who is ‘socially savvy,’ not socially deviant.”  Dr. Cillessen says these children are extremely sensitive because they need to attack in a subtle and strategic way.  They have to be socially intelligent, mastering their social network, so they know just the right buttons to push to drive their opponent crazy.  In nursery school this involves saying things like, “you can’t play with us” or just ignoring a child who wants to play, or withdrawing friendship.

Infants: Even infants can react to aggression, and are highly attuned to the quality of their parents’ relationship.  Dr. Mark Cummings from the University of Notre Dame described young children as “emotional Geiger-counters.”   He found that “…children’s well-being and security are more affected by the relationship between the parents than by the direct relationship between the parent and child.”  He suggests that one of the best ways to eliminate a negative reaction was by “…letting the child witness not just the argument, but the resolution of the argument.” He feels it is an extremely important lesson for children to see that there can be disagreements and these can be resolved and there is still love for one another.  That’s why there is so much truth in the old saying that the greatest gift parents can give their children is to love each other.

Toddlers: I feel that using a nursery rhyme like “Sing s Song of Six Pence” from my book Teaching with Heart can help children to release some aggression.  Have the children sing and flap their arms pretending to be birds, and fly around the room when they get to the part of the rhyme that says “…when the pie was open the birds began to sing…”  This activity can also stimulate large motor development and is just pure enjoyment and fun for young children.

Preschoolers: One of the best ways to help young children to work together and not fight is to give them activities where they have to work together.  This can start when they are very young with acting out nursery rhymes.  When acting out the nursery rhyme “Sing s Song of Six Pence” for example, start with having the children find a partner and then stand face to face.  Have them cross their arms and hook their thumbs together to form two birds, and then have them flap their fingers to pretend to fly.  Next choose a king or queen and start singing the nursery rhyme over and over until everyone has had a chance to be the king or queen and all the birds have changed partners each time the rhyme starts over.  It is during an activity like this that children learn the basic skills of working together and they learn these skills better while playing then by any other means.