Erik Erikson emphasized the establishment of trust (through relationships with others) and autonomy (through experiences with everyday events) as vital to healthy development.

Separating is a crucial developmental task in the first years of life. Birth is the first separation experience – separating from the warm protection of the mother’s body to the outside world. Afterwards separating becomes a regular and frequent event. For infants it starts with separating from the breast or bottle when feeding time is over or separating from warm cloth for a bath. Separations continue as toddlers learn to separate from favorite people, and from home. For preschoolers it proceeds with learning to separate from favorite things such as toys (sharing) or security items. The responses all leads to the development of trust or mistrust. Erickson says that trust occurs when children have positive and supported experiences with separation, they learn to trust the world they live in as a responsible caring place. This creates a sense of security. Mistrust occurs when children have frustrating and unresponsive experiences with separating so they learn to mistrust their world.

Infants: Familiar Odors – Mothers should sleep on a towel or receiving blanket overnight to pick up their scent. Familiar odors make babies feel more comfortable. The childcare provider can then drape the receiving blanket over their shoulder when comforting upset babies or when feeding them a bottle. The blanket may also be kept in the babies’ cribs when they are put to sleep.

Toddlers: Don’t Sneak Out: - Always have parents say goodbye even if the child starts to cry. Toddlers need to be told when parents will be returning. Don’t be upset when they cry. Tears should not be discouraged. Toddlers need support so express sympathy for their feelings. “I know you are sad. It’s O.K. to miss mommy. I/she’ll be back this afternoon after nap to pick you up.” Parents should make a small family photo album, which includes pictures of grandparents and pets for their children to keep with them.

Preschool: Don’t Lie - Separation should be handled primarily with honesty. Don’t lie to children. That means telling not even well meaning or protective lies such as “Mommy will be right back.” These lies threaten trust, and undermine the confidence of the child in what you are saying. Many times all children need, is to hear the truth. A good technique is to make an audiotape or CD of parents reading a favorite story.

Separation is a developmental challenge, and techniques are often less important than acceptance by everybody. As in other areas of development, mastery breeds mastery, and even very young children can be helped to look at their past successes to strengthen them when they have a new separation to cope with.

Life sometimes teaches painful lessons, but it is from adversity that strength is born.