Talking comes naturally, but getting children to listen is an art. Hearing is a physical act. Listening is an intellectual and social/emotional act. Hearing acknowledges sounds, whereas listening requires that children understand what is being said. Try to follow this rule: Listen 80% of the time and talk only 20%. There are five steps to effective listening:

(1) Listening to the content in terms of facts and ideas. (2) Listening to the intent as to “why” rather than “what” is being said. (3) Access the child’s nonverbal communication, which deals with “how” something is said rather than “what” is said. (4) Monitor your own nonverbal communication. Your body language tells children “how” you are listening. (5) Listen to children empathetically and nonjudgmentally. Empathy tells children that you accept them, and that you care about them and what they are saying.

Infants: Mimic Language – Don’t put physical barriers between you and your infant. Kneel or sit where you can maintain eye contact, and read their body language. Don’t allow anything to block your vision or distract you from talking and listening. Mimic the sounds of language they make and smile when you are doing it. This sends the message that you are actively listening to your infant and encourages them to communicate.

Toddlers: Ask Open-ended Questions – This technique helps adults better understand what is trying to be said. Adults should try to allow children to solve their own problems rather than letting their problems become yours. Many times toddlers just need someone to talk to, they need to “think” out loud without fear of evaluation, or advice. Adults may need to ask questions to further understand the message that the child is saying.

Open-ended questions are best for further clarification. These questions often do not have a right or wrong answer.

1. “When you said…., did you mean…?”
2. “Do I understand you to say…?”

Preschoolers: Using “I” Messages – The there are three basic strategies for sending “I” messages. (1) Respond to the behaviors, not the children. Behaviors are negotiable topics, but personalities are not. “I love you, but I don’t like you riding your bike in the street because I‘m afraid you‘ll get hurt.” (2) Respond in the present, not the past. Neither you nor the child can change the past. Don’t say “You’re always late.” Say, “When you’re late, I feel angry because I have to wait for you.” Deal with the present and avoid absolute statements. No one “always” behaves in a particular way. (3) Respond by describing, not evaluating. This will keep communication lines open. Describe what you hear said, not what you think is being said.

Avoid Being Combative. With some children you may become so frustrated that you want to argue. Avoid that, this will only cause communication to break down further. A good thing to remember is that it takes two to fight, one to start it and one to continue it.

To say the right things at the right time…keep still most of the time. John W. Roper