Most adults would like to avoid explaining tragedies to young children with the hope that the children will just forget about them, but Drs. Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson write in their book The Whole-Brain Child “Rather than trying to shelter our children from life’s inevitable difficulties, we can help them integrate those experiences into their understanding of the world and learn from them.  How our kids make sense of their young lives is not only about what happens to them (and others…my addition) but also about how their parents, teachers, and other caregivers respond.” Some of the following integration techniques are suggestions from their book.

Infants: Using Words – Many times when we are upset with tragedies around us we just don’t say anything.  And while infants don’t always understand words they are very tuned into our feelings.   Research has shown that children of depressed parents are often depressed themselves.  So talk with infants even when you are sad, but talk to them about happy memories (When they had dinner at grandma’s house, or when their aunt came to visit them and brought them a favorite toy.) These memories will help to connect the both of you to the love and the happy times within your family and makes everyone feel better.

Toddlers: The Magic of Movement – Drs. Siegel and Bryson state “When your child is upset, make sure to acknowledge his feelings.  This should always be your first move.  But then, as quickly as possible, get him moving.  Roughhouse with him.  Play follow the leader.  Race him to his bedroom and back.  Get him to move and you’ll change his mood.”  These kinds of activities help to reduce the child’s fears, and they demonstrate your love.

Preschoolers: Listening with Love – In the book The Whole-Brain Child the authors suggest that parents “First, lovingly hear what’s upset your child.  Hug her and repeat back to her what you’ve heard with nurturing nonverbal communication.”  It’s so important for adults to accept children’s feelings and talk about what happened to upset them and reassure them that they are safe and loved.

Tragedy in any form leaves many young children feeling scared, hopeless, and unsafe.  The understanding of how people should treat each other and deal with conflicts is laid down in the early years of their lives.  Although many children are seemingly unaffected, under the surface they carry a burden of discomfort and uncertainty that weighs heavily on their young minds if not dealt with.  Even minor incidents can become a big deal and cause anxiety for very young children if they are not discussed.  It is essential that children begin to learn to cope with tragedies by talking about them and not ignoring them.

If you’re doing your best, you don’t have time to worry about failure.