Dr. Paul Ekman stated his definition of lying in his book Why Kids Lie as “…deliberately misleading another person”  He goes on to say that “concealing the truth is just as much a lie as saying something false, especially if the person from whom the information was concealed expected to have the information without having to ask for it.

Young children tend to lie or blame others to protect themselves from punishment.

Dr. Victoria Talwar from McGill University states that “Lying is a developmental milestone that requires a more advanced skill.”  She goes on to say, “A child who is going to lie must recognize the truth, intellectually conceive of an alternate reality, and be able to convincingly sell that new reality to someone else.  Therefore, lying demands both advanced cognitive development and social skills that honesty simply doesn’t require.”

There are a number of techniques that adults can use for reinforcing truthfulness.

Infants: Storytelling – Adults should start by reading stories that reinforce children when they are telling the truth.  Read the story about George Washington and the Cherry Tree, in which young George tells his father that he has cut down a cherry tree with his new ax.  His father did not punish him because he told the truth.  He tells his son that

“…hearing the truth is better than if I had a thousand cherry trees.”  It is important to let children know that you are happy when they tell you the truth.

Toddlers: Avoiding Punishment – “When children first begin lying, they lie to avoid punishment, and because of that, they lie indiscriminately-whenever punishment seems to be a possibility,” says Dr. Po Bronson in his book NurtureShock.  An example might be when a child hits another child.  If the adult asks “Did you hit your friend?” The child might say “no” even though you saw her do it. Instead say “I saw you hit your friend and that makes her very unhappy.”   The best strategy to use is to not ask a question that you already know the answer to, that way you do not even give them an opportunity to lie to you.  Try not to punish young children for lying, try instead to praise them for their truthfulness, and talk about how that truthfulness makes you feel happy.

Preschoolers: Little White Lies –  What adults really don’t realize is that children hear us lie all the time.  Adults should consider when troubled about children’s lies how prone they are to lying themselves. Little white lies may not mean anything to adults, but children clearly view them as real lies, and these do not encourage truthfulness in children.  Dr. Bronson believes when adults encourage a child’s white lies, “…children gradually get comfortable with being disingenuous.  Insincerity becomes, literally, a daily occurrence.  They learn that honesty only creates conflict, while dishonesty is an easy way to avoid conflict.”  A majority of white lies are meant to make others feel good like telling another child they liked the gift they brought to the birthday party. Instead we should teach them to just say  “Thank you for the gift and thank you for coming.”

Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness,

Kindness in giving creates love. (Lao Tse)